It was somewhere near the starting of this year 2010, that I began to realize that I’ve got someone who is someone “just more than a friend to me”… someone special… someone with whom I loved and wanted to share anything and everything…

I have been knowing this “SOMEONE SPECIAL” since I was a young kid… we were both good friends… being in the same section and living in the same township we met daily and that too many times…. Those days were glorious.. but those days passed too too fast…. She went away in class 5th.. to be frank,, I really missed all those days back then.. last time, we met was somewhere back in the end of march of 2002..
7 years is a long time.. really long time..

but then there was this great invention of man,, ORKUT…. That’s where we met,, just after the commencement of the boards.. but she was too serious with the competitive exams, unlike me….. so, she told me to be online on 30th april, 2009…. But it was just for this 5-10 minutes that we talked.. then the results were out…..
I seldom messaged her on orkut and she replied…. It was all smooth according to me.. but there was something that she didn’t like.. she stopped replying to my messages.. then one day,, a scrap came in which she wrote that I have grown on my attitude and have really changed a lot in all these years… this not so rue statement hit my heart head on like an arrow… I explained to her that it was not like that.. I don’t remember what else happened… I’m not so good at remembering.. god ever placed a memory card chip in my mind.. but one thing is for sure,, things didn’t get worse after that..
Then after I went to kota… that year was the most glorious year of my life… but everything that should have happened in my life,, didn’t happen.. and hence this past year being the most glorious of all,, left a big scar on my mind and heart, of being unsuccessful in almost everything that I wanted for myself in my life…

Traveling back in time, going back to kota.. it was just these early days in kota… I had been to cyber café this once and found her online,. She gave me her number and told me that she was taking admission in b.tech somewhere in gujrat itself… we talked over the phone through messages just one a week… then this once she called… I had some mixed feelings,,, talking to her over the phone after such a long time.. I disconnected and called her back.. I don’t know what she sounded like but whatever it was I was happy to talk to her over the phone… in my excitement,, went so much out of my limits,, for which I still regret.. I told her everything about my life plans and all… I must have kept in mind that my life plans are always annoying to people as they sound so impossible and out of the world….. but I kept on going and boring her… I had 28 rupees talktime in my cell,,i.e. around 46 minutes and it was all up… then she called back and she talked about herself a bit and all these years…. thereafter we bid each other ”goodnight” and disconnected the call…
Now the messaging frequency increased from once in a while to somewhere around twice a week..
It was then that something bad happened.. I messaged her around 11 somewhere in the night… then a message came,,.. in that it was a question asking that was it good to talk to some other boy or girl if you already have a gf/bf….. I thought it was meant for me.. so I rudely replied.. saying that I was sorry and all that…
Next morning there were several messages from her saying that it was a forwarded message and she was just seeking an answer to that…
I said “it’s ok.. I’m not angry”….
But then there were no messages for three weeks.. then there was this call from her..
She told me that she took a drop and was now preparing for JEE-2010..
i told her that she can still come to bansals for coaching but she told that it was too late for that and she joined some “iit ashram” in vadodara… there after the talks revived and the frequency increased manifolds.. we began talking daily.. our friendship really gelled up and we helped each other in everything,, almost..
days passed on happily.. I loved talking to her and hopefully she also enjoyed my friendship..
uncle and vidu got sick somewhere in the month of November.. I tried to take care of her so that she remains composed and took care of everyone in the family… that’s me.. taking care of everyone.. but that little care took our friendship to yet another level… her birthday was approaching.. I decided to give her something,, did eve bring something,, took her address but then I decided not to courier it as it was rather to early and she might take it wrongly.. so I kept the gift with myself thinking that I would present it to her on her next birthday,,, but fate never wanted me to gift her anything.. I just wished her at midnight and as the party was on I disconnected at the earliest possible..
20 days later was my birthday.. she too wished me but as no party was going on we kept on talking for quite sometime..
February ended…
March 9.. It was time to go home.. it was then for the first time I realized that she was probably one of the reasons for which I was going to miss koa so much.. I called on the night of 8th.. talked for an hour or so… I thought that it wouldn’t be possible to talk to her daily over the phone…. But I should have known that it was in our daily routine to talk to each other… even after reaching home I found out reasons to talk to her…
That one month, 10 march to 10th april,, I am going to miss forever in my life…
It was then that I realized that “ I finally found someone” …… we were both busy with our respective preparations,, but we found out time to talk to each other… I thought I was in love with her… I just wanted to tell her but couldn’t gather enough strength to do so..
It was just a week prior to jee that I made up my mind that I was going to tell her… but I couldn’t.. but this time I guess she understood that what was I up to… she told me that “everything else can wait”.. and thinking that I can get a positive response I went back to studies… it was just a day before the jee…. I was too scared to give it… I was probably forgetting everything that I knew.. it was her who told me to calm down… that night she told me about KD, that her marriage was fixed against her wish… I asked her to tell KD to talk to her parents.. she told that it wasn’t possible.. I still wonder that what happened in that case but now I don’t think that you are even going to answer this now..

JEE was over.. I messaged her after the exam.. you told me that it was fine.. but you seemed tensed.. on asking, she told that her dad came o meet her after the first paper, but he got some problem and was admitted to the hospital.. she told that she wanted to tell many things to his father but she couldn’t.. so she was upset. I asked her to tell me all those things but she told me that she won’t as I was not her dad…… I tried to take care of her and kept talking to her so that she isn’t depressed and she doesn’t feel lonely…

a day later, on 12th of april, something happened to my eyes.. they started bleeding… I thought they were bleeding after that jee exam coz they have seen me write the exam and they knew what the result was going to be… I was reluctant to tell this to her.. but my mistake.. I couldn’t hide.. I told her and she became eager to call me, anyone would.. but I came to know that atleast she cares for me.. I was at home so I made the call.. I explained to her that I didn’t knew the reason that why the heck my eyes exploded out in red tears but she scolded me saying k “khayal to rakhna nhi hota apna”.. then I tried to change the topic.. she eventually asked me was there any kind of dowry system in uttar Pradesh../// I told her yes, it was very prevalent in .. I also told that I was against it.. she said” acha hai, ,, 5-6 saal tak yahi soch rakhna”.. I told that I wasn’t going to marry before the age of 28..
she then asked that what kinda gal I wanted for myself///// followed by the question that” sau saal purani chalegi kya?????””… I didn’t understand.. I jokingly called her boring all the time and also a hundred years old….. i said I didn’t understand her… she said that it was too late now and I should take rest… so we bid each other goodnight and disconnected.. later on in the message I replied “ sau saal purani chalegi”… she replied back,” chalani tode hi na hai,, daudani hai.. “… and the day ended…. Next day we talked over the messages.. it was just past midnight and she stopped replying to my messages.. an hour or so passed away and I decided to message her back.. she told me that it was di’s cell that she was using and there was a call for her… I forgot this thing.. I don’t know whether she was true to me or not.. but the I decided to write the message of my life,, the one that could change my life….
I texted her…. “ I think I love you”…..
She replied that she knew…
I asked what else,,, she said she didn’t knew..
I said quit playing games with my heart.. she said that she has heard this song before…
It was 14th now.. so I asked her its been 2 months to valentine’s day so would she be my valentine… she shattered my heart saying that her parents will chose the valentine for her and she’ll say yes to only him… she said that one day I’ll get someone better.. but I just wanted her.. she told me that di was going out on a trip of 2-3 days..
Days felt incomplete if I didn’t talked to her.. and now these 3 days and that too when she almost said a big NO to me..
On 16th there was an exam of mine.. she did ask KD to wish me luck..
I really missed talking to her that day..

I’ve got a little less time here now so I will wrap up things faster…

I kept on persuading her,, trying to make her say yesfor me and my love… three months passed by… I’ll describe these three months in my next post..

But right now, going straight to the end.. it was 7th of july…. She said yes… she told me that she was finally in love with me….

Days passed thick and fast… it had been just a month of our relationship that she broke up saying that whats the use of this one sided love and I should stop messaging her those love and emotional messages…it was 25th of august… I could smell that she was upto something but I never expected this… she said that she has been indicating this for sometime but I didn’t understood…. I could bear those harsh heart breaking words for just 2minutes and then I disconnected… she kept calling but I didn’t pick up the cell and sometimes even rejected the call.. I wished to pick up the call but I knew that on picking up the call she would start sympathizing and explaining that we were just friends and all that shit..
She then messaged that she would now be calling for one last time and if I didn’t pick it up she would never be calling again…. But I didn’t see the message… she called after 5 minutes exactly at 0021hrs and I disconnected it not knowing that it was her last call….
Then I saw her message and I regretted disconnecting it that last time but thereafter I cried for 4 hours.. I didn’t sleep the whole night.. I had to leave for Allahabad the next morning and throughout the whole journey I just kept on thinking that where did I go wrong//////
I found no reason… I deleted her number from my cell but I already have a thousand messages of hers saved in my inbox……
2 weeks passed by.. there was no any conversations.. I retrieved her number from the log.. I called her but immediately I disconnected…. I never could gather enough courage to text or call her… 2 nights ago I again called her.. I tried to disconnect but the phone hung up and I couldn’t disconnect.. she called back but I didn’t pick up.. I didn’t knew what to say.. so I messaged her that I was sorry… I had no idea that she also deleted my number… for the first time in my life I got a reason to hate her… for all the rest I hate myself..

this night I messaged her something that’s meant to be the one final message from my side…
I had been wanting to msg u for a long time nw…. bt nvr cud.. probably this is my lst msg… I still luv u so damn much , bt datz nt an issue nw… jst wantd to knw d answr f ds 1 final ques b4 I die.. why did u gas me by saying dat u were finally in luv wid me.. jst wntd to get dis answr on d cl bt I think datz n appropriate nw.. if u cn answr me, I vl b obligd…. U r free nt to answr. Don’t if u dot wish to…was happy to knw dat u deletd my numbr. .. n sry 4 dat blank co I d early hours f nyt 2day,, jst wshd to hear n record ur voice 4 d lyftym.. u sound cuter widout me.. ws gud to hav u.. gn goodbye…. Tc

This was my message e\whose reply I still await…. I lied saying that you sound cuter without me… you sounded sick and weak without me but I’ve no other option than to stay away… I still hope that someday you’ll com back to me while I’m alive…. That’s why m making a lot of grammatical errors so that you correct these when we are together… but really the year that was meant to be the most glorious in my life has brought so much pain for me with it….. none of this I deserve… I deserve to die… but I’ll live for my parents… I love them alotttt but I love her too…. I really miss you….. please come back to me…………………………………………………



POST 2



She called this past night when I returned from the b’day party of sakshi…. She said that she wated to answer the msg that I texted her…
I had nothing to say but thereafter I asked that what was the reason of her leaving me after saying yes///// she said that she said yes just because I wanted it and not her.. she told me that she thought that after that there would be some shift in emotions and we would sustain our long term relationship… but within a few days she realized that she cannot continue this love relation and proposed to restore our friendship and leave all this…. She also asked me whether I could ever again make a place in my heart for someone else..

I don’t think that I can ever again restore the friendship relation that Ever existed between us..
I don’t know but I have this feeling that she got someone better than me for herself….
I know I am not the most perfect guy in this world but whatever I am and whatever I may be in my life, I’ll try never to change me anyone…. I know I am a big loser and have never accomplished anything good in my life…… but, I am just waiting for that one moment in time that’ll be mine and I get to do something notable…….

Its all over for me in this case now…. I loved my girl, I love my girl and will continue to do that but now I am never ever going to bother her… mey her get everything in her life…. But I really wish that someday she realizes what I wanted her to…..